i do not understand
how our good days can sometimes slip into such bad
grey endings
it makes me weary
and i cannot
wait for summer's rays
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
sometimes i think i say i love you
because suddenly it strikes me how alone i am
and i need you to say it back to me
otherwise i cannot deal with it all
its a sudden panicky i love you
like the times when we are insecure
when you ask me if i love you
when you ask me if i trust you
when i want to ask you back
the times when i want to ask you about
the girls who got your benefits in the
grimy halls of middle school
while i was too busy braiding daisy chains
and holding any boy who liked me so tightly to
my chest
afraid that if i eased up for a second there would never be another
gripping tightly with my dirty fingernails
my unsoiled self
wishing for a second that my shadowed
curves were existent and i held some sort
of magic to the outsider
some mystical allure in my unknowingness
because suddenly it strikes me how alone i am
and i need you to say it back to me
otherwise i cannot deal with it all
its a sudden panicky i love you
like the times when we are insecure
when you ask me if i love you
when you ask me if i trust you
when i want to ask you back
the times when i want to ask you about
the girls who got your benefits in the
grimy halls of middle school
while i was too busy braiding daisy chains
and holding any boy who liked me so tightly to
my chest
afraid that if i eased up for a second there would never be another
gripping tightly with my dirty fingernails
my unsoiled self
wishing for a second that my shadowed
curves were existent and i held some sort
of magic to the outsider
some mystical allure in my unknowingness
i lack motivation
i am sitting here
reading through other girls
words poetry painted across
their tumblr pages late at night
all the while knowing it is the wrong
thing to do
these girls with pasts riddled
in divorced parents in pills that
dropped on their tongues slipped down their throats
as easily as the syllables do on the page
girls who spent their summers sitting on
stoops writing perfect images
of j.d. salinger listening to jazz
telling lies about how they were in college
writing lies into their yellow faded notepads
and knowing all the while
my walls are not draped in writing awards
like these girls
i cannot slap scratch your face
like these girls
and i am trying to decide if thats okay
and i am trying to decide if i care
i am sitting here
reading through other girls
words poetry painted across
their tumblr pages late at night
all the while knowing it is the wrong
thing to do
these girls with pasts riddled
in divorced parents in pills that
dropped on their tongues slipped down their throats
as easily as the syllables do on the page
girls who spent their summers sitting on
stoops writing perfect images
of j.d. salinger listening to jazz
telling lies about how they were in college
writing lies into their yellow faded notepads
and knowing all the while
my walls are not draped in writing awards
like these girls
i cannot slap scratch your face
like these girls
and i am trying to decide if thats okay
and i am trying to decide if i care
Thursday, April 23, 2015
YOU HAVE GONE TO FETCH ME WATER (4/17/15)
You have gone to fetch me water
disappeared into the trees
armed only with an empty poland spring bottle
and a smile
I am sitting here
waiting
I will guard our stuff with my life
I called out after you
well maybe not with my life
but with strength
I amended
Today we went to the Met
We caught the 6 train
after school
and entered the gaping halls
that swallowed us whole
drawing writing in the exhibits
making a curriculum of our own
we sat in front of George Washington
and considered his sword
Later we spilt out into the streets
trickling over onto Lexington
mixing in with the Upper East Side
after school crowd
that made me wish I were prettier
more confident
that made me feel estranged
We ate
We drank
We left
with talks of capsules lingering in our mouths
some thoughts I could not swallow
(I cannot swallow pills
they feel too lumpy in my throat)
The sun behind us
we dawdled into trees
took advils (you)
dissolvables (me)
for our heavy headaches
and splayed out on the grass
whispering in each others ears
laying there
my thoughts went elsewhere
(my head still throbbed)
you examined my visage closely
offered eagerly
to forage for fluids
in fulgent foliage
i complied.
watched you as you ran off
armed myself with a pencil
and considered you
(and now) I sit here
writing
thirstily,
you
have gone to fetch
me water
disappeared into the trees
armed only with an empty poland spring bottle
and a smile
I am sitting here
waiting
I will guard our stuff with my life
I called out after you
well maybe not with my life
but with strength
I amended
Today we went to the Met
We caught the 6 train
after school
and entered the gaping halls
that swallowed us whole
drawing writing in the exhibits
making a curriculum of our own
we sat in front of George Washington
and considered his sword
Later we spilt out into the streets
trickling over onto Lexington
mixing in with the Upper East Side
after school crowd
that made me wish I were prettier
more confident
that made me feel estranged
We ate
We drank
We left
with talks of capsules lingering in our mouths
some thoughts I could not swallow
(I cannot swallow pills
they feel too lumpy in my throat)
The sun behind us
we dawdled into trees
took advils (you)
dissolvables (me)
for our heavy headaches
and splayed out on the grass
whispering in each others ears
laying there
my thoughts went elsewhere
(my head still throbbed)
you examined my visage closely
offered eagerly
to forage for fluids
in fulgent foliage
i complied.
watched you as you ran off
armed myself with a pencil
and considered you
(and now) I sit here
writing
thirstily,
you
have gone to fetch
me water
Monday, April 20, 2015
when it rains, i have no time for calculus
rainy days put me in a haze
you aren't just a phase
your stares are a maze
there are so many ways:
insurmountable praise
metaphorical plays
(leave my heart where it lays
with the boy born from Mays)
when my mind is ablaze
leave my toes in blue bays
paint my hair full of rays
when we whisper it stays
watch, all softly decays
reins my head into daze
you aren't just a phase
your stares are a maze
there are so many ways:
insurmountable praise
metaphorical plays
(leave my heart where it lays
with the boy born from Mays)
when my mind is ablaze
leave my toes in blue bays
paint my hair full of rays
when we whisper it stays
watch, all softly decays
reins my head into daze
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
we bought two dozen roses
24 deep red flowers at our fingertips
and we felt devilishly alive
shuffling excitedly on the pavement
rushing back to school
we passed them out sporadically
to ones we owed dues
to ones we knew would appreciate
to see the flower bring light to an eye
people asked us why
we asked them why not?
we bought two dozen roses
24 deep red flowers no longer at our fingertips
though we have now gone home
three blossoms on my desk still catch my eye
24 deep red flowers at our fingertips
and we felt devilishly alive
shuffling excitedly on the pavement
rushing back to school
we passed them out sporadically
to ones we owed dues
to ones we knew would appreciate
to see the flower bring light to an eye
people asked us why
we asked them why not?
we bought two dozen roses
24 deep red flowers no longer at our fingertips
though we have now gone home
three blossoms on my desk still catch my eye
1st ave and 1st street
sitting on the bench
steaming chinese food
burns the roof of your mouth
later I climb onto the monkey bars
and you catch me
as i slip through the cracks
steaming chinese food
burns the roof of your mouth
later I climb onto the monkey bars
and you catch me
as i slip through the cracks
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