i knew some
day
those words would
limp
off your lips
i just had that feeling
that we would click
like a carseat belt
like tall black heels
on cool dark tiles
and slip and slide
our syllables together
behind dopey grins
and lidded smiles

i'm not surprised
at all
just elated by the
sound
just enveloped by
the meaning
just in awe
in it all

riddle me
the spans of my stomach
are concave
and with my
eyes
i push them down
farther
oozing out
like toothpaste
containers
closing
and trying
to remember

why couldn't you be right in front of me
it would be that much easier
if i could reach out in the dark
trusting
malleable slippery blackness
between my fingers turns my hands
into night

it frightens me so much to call you
but here i am
dialing and shaking on
the tiled floor
and after the beep
my voice shaking like a baby
i do not know how to do this
i do not know how to do this
i do not know how to do this
don't you know?

and my crackly voice gives me
away (i am literally shivering)
in a way that words written on paper
can't
cahn't
in a way that words written on paper
cahn't

you dip in and out of my dreams
like a dancer
whirling around
please slow
i need to touch you
to stop you
to see that you are real
and you have not become
a figure lost in outline
that i'm molding with my fingers
i hope this is not long enough to break us
we seem strong
but this is not what i am afraid of
(yes,
this is just what i am afraid of)

October 29th

the curve of her stomach
has reversed
press your ear against it
and you can hear the
little thumping
feathers whisper louder than this
ants tread harder than this
petals float stronger than this

so breakable
it is
you are
he is
she will be
in the palms of our hand
and we'll pass her
around
and smile at her toes
that will walk someday
and tickle her stomach
that she will one day suck in

the curve of her stomach
has reversed
press your ear against it
and the thumping will be
gone
grown louder
in your arms

turn it on like a faucet
close it shut with your teeth
for your hands are now bound
behind your back
and your feet are now tied together
you have
given it all and
you
are gagged
do you realize?
do you care?
i'm writing in circles
and i cannot find a way
to take a turn

brave (one word)

brave
am i brave
when i lay my hand
across your chest
and i can
feel
your heart
beating
hungry
hun gry
hungry

whisper me words
in silver droplets
that will fall down my
follicles
and make the strands
stick to my side
(dripping
with you)

train ramblings on sundays

driving driving driving
me insane
who's to blame for
the slow slipping of my mind
-------
that exhale
the sigh of relieving
my chest grows light
the heaviness to my toes
reaching with pale fingers
       i will try
that was my first
promise to you
before my eyes shut to sleeping
death and woke
-------
    tracing designs on my shoulder
my skin suddenly becomes endless
the trails you leave people's
pilgrimages
          the journey across the tan
              to the homeland
          the path across the skin
               to the free

do you know how much i would give right now to
touch you?
to let my fingers reach out and brush your skin?

for five minutes together
i would fold up the 3,452 miles
like a large piece of paper
until it could do nothing
but flutter softly in the wind

i am so glad that i did
not share this with you
because its true what they say
when they litter you
with fear packed words in
elementary school
telling you to never share your
passwords
telling you that friends change
and trust slips
life lessons through the pretense
of computer safety
i never liked those classes they gave

i realize now that you do
not deserve
this part of me
the access to this depth
within my brain

i will not risk to have
this oasis ruined
for it will be all lost
for nothing to gain

(all done at my hands)

no, i will not risk it

the truth

we both stole glances
much earlier than
we were willing to admit
and shhhhed our fears
with distractions
our advances with
eyes closed

when this is over
i hate to think of it
i hope it will never come
i will be broken
i know i will shatter
how will i even bear to go
to school and move on and function
sometimes i worry i am
giving you too much leverage
for when that day comes
because you could ruin me
because you already
can

my post-its trail across my room
littering nos wants maybes
i cannot expose myself so well
and yet i do
these sporadic late night bursts
of pen paper thought and the free
association
thinking that i will not hold
within the walls of my
head
they cannot be contained and
so they spread
criss crossing my space

(i used to find them trapping
like paper chains--
but now
they help me breathe)

to be fine

breathe easier
with me at your side
breathe heavier
when i am gone

and then i understood
how bodies can talk
without words

in those small finger gestures
and the spiral circles drawn
across my back
wandering aimlessly
as my mind
collapsed