the only thing worse than not
getting what you want
is getting what you want
and being unsure
if its what you wanted
i am scared to put these words
on paper because i'm afraid
it will make them more true
(as if in silence they are bred
into nothingness; nothing
breeds lack-existence)

the chase is so much
better than the prize
because in the chase you can lose
and you can quit
and in the prize
i feel so locked in
i feel so defined
i want natural
i want wave
i want smooth
do not confine me in a pressure
cooker
because i promise i will run
i promise i will run

the saddest thing
is these are things i cannot say to you
because i don't know if they are true
or if they are fabricated
in the dark folds of my mind
where all my insecurities and fears
lie and meet and laugh at my failures
and my false success

why are you so perfect
why can i not see
why do i not feel
and yet i do
my lack of understanding
drives me crazy
and yet i continue on
as if i'm not staggering.
is this normal?
am i
supposed
to be this way?
i find myself
thinking
thoughts
that i am embarrassed
of
i am supposed to be nice
not a monster
i am supposed to be nice
not a monster
and yet you see me as nice
but inside
i am monstrous
yes inside
i am monstrous

pull me apart for yourself