SO MANY EMOTIONS
ROLLICKING THROUGH MY SKIN
HOW DO PEOPLE STAND IT?
THIS THING CALLED LIVING
I DIG MYSELF GRAVES WHEN I GET LIKE THIS
I WILL TAKE ANY HILL TO DIE ON
--
I am breaking
I am breaking over and over again
Like a wave or a muscle
or the day or silence.
I am beating the shore hoping
for an end. I have had enough
of this endless repetition.
--
Rain cannot scare me
Jane (Yevheniia) says,
I am from Kyiv.
And what is unsaid is
war is a horror no one
can understand.
I don't even understand
now as a metaphor.
How life would break down
so fully. The French
fucking through the revolution.
Weird friend social groups
becoming pandemic pods
in the most apocalyptic thing
I had ever witnessed
(at that time)
Also horrible: your first love
dying at 25 of an overdose
without ever getting to say goodbye.
(As though there was a
peace you could have reached
as though it were right around
the corner as though you might
have made it if only)
(Are the goodbyes we know
are our last any less painful
than the ones we don't?
what I mean to say is
is our ignorance bliss?)
And another question:
how do I turn this sadness
into joy?
--
How does the sunflower
find the strength to lift its head
towards the sun
every single day?
---
I don't want to be alone
in my grief
but that's what sadness is
mourning is
an ocean
that no one else can ever truly
comprehend
it's your ocean
that breaks in waves
that exhausts
beautifies
sharpens and shatters
placid
choppy
rhythmic
swimming some days
some days drowning
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