I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared

I repeat it to myself like a mantra

the words like beads over and over again in my mouth

I text them I tattoo them on my body I yell them I etch them in the white stone of the bathtub

anything to get them out to keep the current flowing

to not sit in the stillness that is a balm and a fire that allows for the space of an answer

I ask her a question I already know the answer to because it is the only way to get from where I am to somewhere new

I'm a big girl I can answer it myself:

Something is wrong.