I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared

I repeat it to myself like a mantra

the words like beads over and over again in my mouth

I text them I tattoo them on my body I yell them I etch them in the white stone of the bathtub

anything to get them out to keep the current flowing

to not sit in the stillness that is a balm and a fire that allows for the space of an answer

I ask her a question I already know the answer to because it is the only way to get from where I am to somewhere new

I'm a big girl I can answer it myself:

Something is wrong.

sometimes humor is the only way to deal with sadness

sometimes you need to shut your sadness in a drawer. lock it. throw away the key. claw at the opening.

I am putting myself in the space between knowing and not knowing.

Wrapping myself here as though I could ever be ready to receive the news I most fear.

To hear from her is alarming he says and you can think of no better word

alarming

he has a way of making the whole world end and he always did

 you always ke(e)p(t) me suspended

dancing in honey

turning like a bug

and I wanted to

to twirl for you

we were young and we were foolish

and we loved each other and how could we not

I was always under your thumb

even as I wriggled out

even the strong woman I've become

can be tended by the memory of your hands

things we remember that no one understands.