the thing is

doubt everything

lose all your friends because you're too busy

writing lists of things over and over again

they're all the same thing even though each one

feels newly horrifying

repeat them to yourself

almost in a mumble

tell yourself you are being reasonable

even as you feel so unreasonable

caution is not a think you can check off

and you think what about love

there is too much authority

and none of it feels like 

it is yours

trust until you make a mistake

and then tell yourself you couldn't 

have known better even as you

want to take it back

take it back if you can

want to give it in again

can't make up your mind

and it never feels like

there is an answer that

leaves it calm

doing everything you can do

is exhausting

yet you do it anyway

and it wears away

your patience

and you do it anyway.