so this is life

in Iowa they tell me

eat more

nourish the body

drip the fat in the hip creases

let a farmer kiss it tenderly

his hand in his back pocket on his keys

i'm waiting for you to come home

like a housewife

reveling in my anger as the greatest motivator

so this is life

loving you and afraid of it

the closeness when we all feel we can't be known

being lonely when you're alone

writing cliches even if, there the truth

specificities about things no one cares about

so this is life

crying on a street in Des Moines

ready to jump

look at my poise

cover my ears

can't stand the noise

 the thing is

doubt everything

lose all your friends because you're too busy

writing lists of things over and over again

they're all the same thing even though each one

feels newly horrifying

repeat them to yourself

almost in a mumble

tell yourself you are being reasonable

even as you feel so unreasonable

caution is not a think you can check off

and you think what about love

there is too much authority

and none of it feels like 

it is yours

trust until you make a mistake

and then tell yourself you couldn't 

have known better even as you

want to take it back

take it back if you can

want to give it in again

can't make up your mind

and it never feels like

there is an answer that

leaves it calm

doing everything you can do

is exhausting

yet you do it anyway

and it wears away

your patience

and you do it anyway.

Feeling full of everything 

you thought you could bring

We spent a year trying to write our names on the wall

Over and over again

Etch them in

Souvenirs, tokens 

Of time stolen

Let me whisper in your ears

It’s better than tears

Little imperfect mementos 

Of all we went through

And standing at the keys I used to try to pause for a moment and tell myself: hold onto this feeling.

these days

i can't focus on anything long enough

to think

still? she says

the question hangs in the air a moment

before i brush it aside with reassurances

cleaning the table, wiping it away

the structure of life tenuous

wood touching wood

waiting for the rot and the wear and the earth

to inhale it all, exhale it out

how can you not care? she shook her by the shoulders

i let her lie to herself a little

we all lie to ourselves a little

pulling down each beam like toothpicks

her wavering breath is a wolf's

it'll probably be fine, she says

and the thing is, I don't know.