i try to explain to her that i feel ungrounded
this feeling
like there is no ground beneath my feet
like it is all falling out beneath me
suddenly and slowly piece by piece
and i am stuck watching it
wondering what the heck the ground is
and why i ever expected it to be there

i try to explain to her that i'm scared
of being in the ground of being above it
of looking at it and having the audacity to hope
that seeds will grow

i pick an angel card to guide my way and get
abundance, as an antidote to fear
to grappling with how to deal with ugliness and pain
and unreality, how to try and hold it all in my mind at once

dirty fingernails, dirt filled fingernails

today the beautiful woman stands in the front of the room
and she tells the story of another beautiful woman and her grandmother
when the young girl said "i am lost, i am losing my identity"
her grandmother said, "go outside and stick your hands in the dirt.
leave them there for at least seven minutes, and then you will remember."

now isn't that a most beautiful thing you've ever heard