digging

i didn't want it to be like this
our lives intertwined like
a vine on a lampost
yours a straight line vector
and mine
clinging. vectors go in diagonals these days
bouncing off the panes of glass
that block my every day life. they
stand on the corner, in the middle of the street.
suddenly everything impenetrable.
suddenly everything see
through. i wanted
to walk without holding your
hand. to face the night
alone. noah says to speak in a russian
accent. how can i already be so
afraid of holding my
own hands. i didn't want it to be like
this. the little pit in the bottom of my stomach
unveiled. periodically. in half thoughts that
weigh my mind down. to remember i was
alone. that was my original point.
how to fit the dancing and the sleeping
the warmth of your cheek and easy
falling in with it all? how
to understand that things like friends are permanent
but somehow things like you
are not. when everything is impermanent?
i am digging myself
my own hole now.