i have to find a frame of mind
to put this in
one in which i will be able
to stand it

it is the only way

disappearing into nothing
or this
is the only way

truthfully

in a handful of months
i will become a story

delinearize the complex
masses of strings that intertwine our lives
so close so tangled
intangible

into five lazy words
where did she go again?

as if where i am
will become who i am
and who i have been
will fade

we are victims of convenience all of us
don't try to tell me otherwise
the infiniteness of these moments
is limited by these brick walls

when we escaped the bright classrooms
of childhood
we were going off to better brighter things
going back now feels wrong
a puzzle piece that used to fit
warped by rain

at least we were still near
we kept our new worlds within reaching distance
if we had wanted to stick out a trembling hand
we could've
a safety net a safety blanket

the darker halls of (im)maturity
with bells governing our life warped even faster
yielded only hazy smoke
within the moments of being handed a diploma
it was clear that we no longer had a place here
(schools like these are factories they churn in they churn out
there is no lingering in the hallways after the bell rings)

so please let me know what happens now?

i get handed a diploma twice
but the space between is small
and the space after is gigantic
not long enough to throw myself
around its legs and refuse to let it
budge

i feel as if the moment i glide down those steps
i will no longer fit into this life
i have created for myself
a life i happen to like
(or maybe i will warp slowly
from the inside
out)

we are all victims of convenience
don't try to tell me otherwise
casualties of the infinite pulsing push of time
aggressive harsh and unable to be stopped
by a sixteen year old girl
crying quietly eyes flashing
(wanting to punch something
wanting to for goodness sake do something!)
in her messy room

tonight i want to exist
separate from you
by myself

independent and alone

without the worries or your strife

goodbye

we rush our goodbyes cram them

into the space between the closing doors

or the moment right before a taxi pulls up at the curb

to whisk one of us away

before that moment our time stretches luxuriously

we tip our caps and push out the edges of each others company

one of us with our hands pressed up against the start and the other

the reproachable end until we encompass the seconds after sunrise

and the moments before dusk's departure and sometimes further

(into night)

until the train schedules cut us short

in some ways we are smart

we sat in the park and when i tried to put pep on

to wear it like a mask to press it into my skin so i could feel it

one wise word from you and i was naught

proof of my inability

to put on faces with you

proof of your ability to see beneath,

above anyone else

we rushed to the train

(you had to use the bathroom)

and missed one

sat in a dingy subway station slowly

contemplating the gravity of distance and time

thoughts impossible to feel leaning

against you closely with the possibility of a kiss

and a touch

and a look

when the train came

we grabbed hands
rattled along in the underbelly

of the beast

it came to my stop and you

planned to switch cars

we disconnected corpora

and spun out through metal frames

jumping together

our cars were pushed on--apart--

by the force of that moment

tailending off the tracks

spinning at the junction 

it was sudden

shocking and sweet

closer

Over time

I feel myself getting closer

I begin to understand the way you 

speak the way you

walk small secrets of your being

entrance me key me

into how lucky I am to be so

near make me want to bare my skin

my thoughts my mind to you 

Looking at you play guitar your face changes and I 
splay myself across the bed and listen as your plucks rise  to the ceiling

Even in the distance there is closeness

snapped (oneword)

she snapped
under the lights
the two beams formed knives
that split her right down the middle

she had been thinking
of life
of college
of love
of lust
of how she could possibly consider
all the things that she needed to ever consider

there was joy in the cracking

she finally learnt what lay beneath her skin

Whenever I question my unhappiness
the sudden swings down into gloom
i list your presence as a reason
to retrace my steps

lift up the dark façade

dying birds in the toolshed

she holds him in her hands
looks up at me and
says: even with the order (of
nature, of time, of souls, i understand)
i can't understand how
you can let a life
go

pleasing others

i know it is a fault
to please all but yourself
but what if pleasing
all is what
pleases me?

mirror reflections
of my image
projected in people's minds
make up my holographic skin

goodnight

goodnight moon

goodnight *****

goodnight light sky illuminati(i)e blue green grass dirt tunnel subway whoosh jump rope skip turn left right write light night

goodnight light

softly sleeping wispy whispers whittle wavering trembling tremolos traversing my entrancéd ears heaving heavy heights onto open messy hearts

missing you

letting the pitter patter

flow train of my thoughts

down on paper because 

coherency is too far away to reach right now

write now

and the glow of missing the flow of missing

the yearn for touching the yearn for kissing

is real and ever present

much more so than subjects and verbs and p e r i o d s 

thinking about you aching

like mouth

thinking about you aching

like my chest

remembering all our moments

and feeling my skin crawl carefully

slowly intakes of air

you make me gasp

from miles away you make

me gasp without even thinking maybe

you are just talking

reading a book drinking

some water

and here i am thinking of 

you

and maybe i am just looking

at something reading my book going

on the computer

and you are stopping and thinking

of me

the land between us may

stretch wide

farther than the Q and R train traverse

unpassable even by the B and the M

train on weekdays

but if i close up my

fingers and dim all my lights

i’ll convince myself

that you’re beside me

breathing

and if i close the space

closely and bend

mother time

it’s not long

until you’re in 

my arms

tears salty

on my cheek.

tears salty

on your cheek.

my tears

almost

sitting in bed

the fan over my head is blowing

air around and around this room

and all the moments spin

slowly with each rotation

you lying in bed next to me with your hands

on my skin

the way you breathe deeply when your heart

is thumping

soft eyes looking down at me

as i sit on my sheets and look up

lying side by side on the floor

and reveling in the power of touch

sitting in the dark light

and writing poetry for you

i can almost feel your arms around me

in and out

i'm trying to wrap my head around how we become
those girls in photographs and how the
girls around us become those girls in photographs
and how our best friends have boyfriends
and how our boyfriends become our best friends
and how we travel around the city late at night
and text each other and get rides home with twenty year old drivers
and have the power to command children
and get bank statements in the mail
and take showers whenever we please and wash our hair and schedule our own appointments and cook our own meals and cross the streets by ourselves and have conversations with strangers and buy food with our own money and sit in our own space and breathe in and out by ourselves

by ourselves

i'm trying to wrap my head around how we breathe in and out by ourselves