passing through

and yet 

somehow i already know

that i will never want to do this again

that i will never again want the warm curve of your neck

(well yes i will want it but i will never get there)

we will not make mistakes

like i did before.  you are not like that.

you do not make mistakes so lightly.

and when you do i hate it.

hate to see you regress. we will not kiss

again. that apartment, you will move 

out of. you will graduate. you will not

say my name anymore. only sometimes. you will

want to be friends. i do not know if i will be able to.

if i am able to, i will never be able to go back

again. to ignore the way we clash in favor of the

way the curves of our bodies fit together. to forget

the knot in the bottom of my stomach, in favor for

the pleasure of watching you dancing.

watching you dancing

watching you dancing

i think that is what will hurt me the most.

even as i always knew

what i knew. that i was just a phase

you were passing through.

march fifteenth

reading my own words
makes me fall in love with the idea of
sorrow again. drowning has its
benefits. how are you? i want
to type out, touch the iceberg.
but fear. of tongue sticks. and jabs.
real. of being beyond the story.
i am still trying to get beyond the
story now. to get beyond The End.

christchurch

and today for some reason
i find myself unable to breathe
periodically. later the
news pain like the holes of
a sieve, the sand keeps
pouring through. caught particles
like the jolt of air in my throat.
the sudden panic, the sudden pain.
to offer beauty will take time.
to rise above when everything
pulls down. how to understand.
how to remember. how to honor and
how to live. sometimes (most times)
i am unsure. in and out. i am unsure.