vaporize (throwing back to blue)

i try to find a song that looks like you the palest underbelly of a vein drained of everything of substance of solidity i want you to be less ethereal than a cloud but paler than the color of my lovers eyes and the emotion when i remember that he is not beside me in the curves of my skin not when i lose it all not when i crumple and cry for then my tears are darker. no, you are the shade of consciousness in the back of my mind when a cog slips somewhere the hue behind the mien that moment when i have the faint feeling that something is missing that little bit of emptiness that swallows me whole. i stare at you before i go to sleep. i’m thinking about a poetry class in which i was told to envision a way i would be happy to die. the silver lake floods my brain, the bottom of the canoe, there is the black curve of the sky, the dappled milky way, the lapping noises, the night bottled up inside like an infinite wound of finality and i try to find you. where do you fit into this? i see my eyes closing, i see myself slipping, retreating, retracting, no light, no color, no words, no speech, no thought, no thing, nothing. and thats when i realize you are what comes after. you are the sight of the morning when i open my eyes.