with you
we can never cruise
we are consistently bumping around
jostling
turbulence and sine wave curves
are not as round and lulling as they seem
these are stock market exchange peaks
and dips
sharp edges that poke holes in your back and make
sure you are never comfortable

it makes me worry we will not make it until the end when we snap shut our briefcases
it makes me wonder if the stocks were this volatile when we were rookies

through the nightfalling snowflakes
i reach my smog fingered hands out to your lips
"breathe"
my voice the passing buses lingers
the subway hisses as it pulls away the
streetlight turns
"breathe" they whisper "breathe"

an echo of the last old poem, december 9th, 2012

i want you to stop.
i want you to stop and think right now.
does this matter?
does this really matter?
when you die will this matter? when you feel oceanic
and understand that things like traffic lights and pink rubber erasers
are superfluous will this matter?

retract soledad
retract into your self
retract into solitude

do you want to be happy?
do you want to look up when you walk down the sidewalk?
You have nothing
to be shameful for.
it as easy as understanding
as a separation
as rising up

let the cold air sink
and the hot air rise

remember what it is
that you love

I had a weird dream yesterday
so many faces resurfaced to the pool of my mind
smoking lips and murky arms, people who have never smiled at me
people who I don't want to, you,
people holding hands, others yelling, crossing streets,
sitting in a circle indian style, dreaming of a new email
in my inbox, or a new feeling in my chest

bad day

i cried for half an hour
and you told me that
when i go to college i will make friends
and i will be okay
and you told me that
you believed in me
and there would be cute boys
and i said ew
and you said you would give me permission
and i said maybe i would give you permission
too and you laughed

i feel sick

facebook rant (literally just a rant)

i don't know why it bothers me so much
but i hate it
it makes me feel awful about myself
it makes me feel terrible about other people
it makes me feel paranoid
it is so socially unhealthy
literally evil

that is all

i have their stories crawling
all over my skin i want these stories
to be crawling all over your skin
i want their dreams to be your dreams
and their nightmares to haunt your
bloodshot eyes i want the hatred that
is thrown at them when they speak up
to be like lycra on your skin, you pull
it off but it snaps back, black and sticky

i want you to hear their cries when they
spend so many tears over you over this over
the way you have tarnished their lives irreversibly
and most of all i want you to share in this fear
this culture of fear you have created
that wraps its misty forked tongue
around me slowly
i want it to wrap itself around you

go on
that is something you can kiss
without asking

irrational irrational irrational
am i really so crazy
you hate it when i use the word psycho
a like on a picture 12 days ago
but then she knew
i don't understand why people cannot just
completely back off completely back off
step away from the computer
step away from my boy