(agenda book poem)

it's still wrong
even if you hide behind your smiles in the daytime
when you cough and laugh politely,
excusing yourself
with your long hair and your lacquered lips
pulled up at the corners-
the darkness lingers behind you.
and I see it when a strand
slips out of place
and I see it when you reach down
because your pen falls,
in the flash of your eyes
when someone
does not
agree,
then
i see it.
it's still
wrong
even if you
hide behind
your smiles
in the daytime
and you cough and
laugh politely,
excusing yourself
because no one else will

(agenda book poem)

slip and slide away down a slope
so i'll never see you again
and you'll keep sliding sliding sliding
away
faster faster faster until you are a
speck
but it is okay because you have been
forgotten

my fingers are slipping
off the handle
and my eyes are looking up to where you
sit
high above
as i reach
straining
toes dangling
to lift myself

you are there
cross-legged and serene
and i am beneath

and you are there
whirling around and around
dazzled by the stars
and i am beneath

and you are there
reaching around you
in wonder with your skin
glowing paper thin
and i am beneath

annoyed

that aggravation
that creeps up inside of you
and
SEIZES
you with a need to shake and
shake and shake
angry angrily angrily
over and over and over
over and over and over
over and over and over

Saturday Morning

snow flakes falling down
coating everything in white,
music i made playing
from my computer,
too many depressed poems,
realizing i need to breathe
life into myself,
these are the things that make me happy.

i know its not fair
but i must ask of you
how did i get here?
why am i at the place where i
recede in conversations
as my words stumble out limping
and the awkwardness is palpable
and my syllables burn newspapers
to ashes at my feet
where I'm surrounded by bodies
breathing in and out
and yet we are so different
we all want different things
and my past punches me in the face
slaps me
as if it wasn't enough the first time
the sting left on my face was plenty a reminder
the sting left on my face was plenty of a reminder
and it echoes
in the darkness
as i type
my tears away

losing

its hard being the loser
when you always were the winner
to be the one who walks away
without the prize

AH
how can you not understand
that every time i'm nice
and you are ambivalent
a dagger hits me in the chest
yet i'll still try to respond
until i ridicule myself in
a pool of
patheticalness

it means nothing to you
and so much to me
and so much to you
and nothing to me

it's funny how quickly fantasies can become realities in your mind
and the kid sitting next to you becomes your husband or wife
and your enemy your friend
and your life becomes just a thousand times better
or
a thousand times worse

today as i was bunched up in my wintry coat
i looked into the window
peering out atop my scarf
and saw that i had become a
fox
red coat
and bushy tail
scampering elegantly
through the white
the coffee-warmed hands of
new yorkers were naught to me
as they stepped quickly
and the converse
and the high heels
and the hunters walked by
as i lay upon a subway grate with the warm air wafting up
before
diving for a morsel
and leaping up for a drop
to trod off daintily
on my toes
into the city

UGH
I'm so mad
i always push too far
beyond the boundaries
the risks i take
make me bang my head
against the wall
over
and
over
and
over

why can't i be satisfied with a happy ending
i always want more

don't you see
im so mad
i don't even think of you
and yet the past few days
thoughts of you
have brought me to tears
"i can't sleep" i say
"i don't know why" i lie to you
while inside i remember.
i know exactly
why
i couldn't sleep
(i'll give you one guess)
a card
lame
stupid
needy
i want to scream
what i don't know from the rooftops
sometimes.
maybe i am tired
but it is not that late
maybe i am crazy
or this just might be fate
laughing at my rhymes
makes me feel slightly better
about my weakness

irreverent

(still old one word)

irreverent
laughing by the pool
in our bikinis
yours fits you better
than mine
fits me
yours is snug tight
mine awkward i’m still all arms and legs
but it hardly matters
as we laugh at the lifeguard
calling seriously to all the other kids
to not jump
in the pool
they always
listen
except today we suppose
they’ve gone on a bit of a
bad
streak

can't you see
i'm just trying to be your friend
and when you lie
i try to see the truth
in the mix so that
i can be the one who believes
and when you're mean
i try to just
ify your
actions and be on
your side

but its hard
when you're so unwilling to reach
and when you just want to dwell in the pool
of your sorrows
eyes closed
ears shut